Dunces with Wolves: The third volume of the Bernard Jones Investing Diaries Read online

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Publishing Details

  Praise For Funny Money

  About The Author

  Foreword

  Introduction

  Chapter One: Scissors And Suffering

  Tuesday 11th September 2007: Hair-Raising Incidents

  Wednesday 12th September: Rockslide

  Wednesday Evening: Topham Tales

  Thursday 13th September: Genghis Can’t

  Friday 14th September: Edgington To The Rescue

  Chapter Two: Minimum Wage

  Saturday 15th September: Bank Run

  Sunday 16th September: All For Nought

  Tuesday 18th September: Hedge Trimming

  Wednesday 19th September: Robbing Peter

  Thursday 20th September: Edgington Triumphs Again

  Saturday 22nd September: Pomegranate Promise

  Monday 24th September: Halo Slips

  Wednesday 26th September: Traumatic For Some

  Chapter Three: Sooty And Sweep

  Thursday 4th October: Glove Puppets Off

  Wednesday 10th October: Taxing Admiration

  Thursday 11th October: A Sharp Fall

  Friday 12th October: Wilful Behaviour

  Tuesday 16th October: Breathing Again

  Wednesday 17th October: Careless Homes

  Monday 22nd October: Toby Back Again

  Tuesday 23rd October: Lawyer, Lawyer Pants On Fire

  Wednesday 24th October: Split Over Bank Prospects

  Thursday 25th October: Return Of The Elevenses

  Chapter Four: Pizza The Action

  Thursday 1st November: Cheesed Off

  Saturday 3rd November: Gleaming Spires

  Sunday 4th November: Buns Of Steel

  Tuesday 6th November: A Trip Down Clio Lane

  Wednesday 7th November: Dented Sweepstake

  Thursday 15th November: Dental Disaster

  Monday 19th November: Kitty Catch

  Tuesday 20th November: Slipped Disc

  Wednesday 21st November: Ukrainian Foresight

  Chapter Five: Nasdaq The Dog

  Friday 23rd November: QinetiQ Rip-Off

  Saturday 24th November: Nasdaq The Dog

  Monday 26th November: Roll And Filling

  Tuesday 18th December: Cash Extraction

  Wednesday 19th December: Smoking IS Good For You

  Monday 24th December: Christmas Shopping

  Chapter Six: Crème De La Crème

  Tuesday 25th December: Christmas Mourning

  Christmas Afternoon: Underwhelmed, Overground

  Wednesday 26th December: The Day After

  Thursday 27th December: Perfect Peter Boasts

  Friday 28th December: Crossed Wires

  Saturday 29th December: Credit Crisis

  New Year’s Eve: Treasure Trove

  New Year’s Day: Not The Party Type

  Chapter Seven: New Year Resolutions

  Wednesday 9th January 2008: Cosmetic Surgery

  Thursday 10th January: No Gain Without Pain

  Friday 11th January: Brake With Tradition

  Sunday 13th January: Money Laundering

  Monday 14th January: Bailiff Time

  Wednesday 16th January: Trauma At The Bar

  Thursday 17th January: Retail Therapy Needed

  Friday 18th January: Severe Handbagging

  Saturday 19th January: Hippopotamuses Manoeuvring

  Sunday 20th January: Tax Demands

  Chapter Eight: Chinese Ordeal

  Monday 21st January: Tanking Shares

  Tuesday 22nd January: Dungeons And Dragons

  Wednesday 23rd January: Oriental Ordeal

  Thursday 24th January: Derivative Dingbat

  Saturday 26th January: Checkmate

  Monday 28th January: Profits Hit The Buffers

  Wednesday 30th January: Anniversary Antics

  Monday 4th February: Generations Apart

  Chapter Nine: A Tough Delivery

  Tuesday 12th February: Car Chase

  Wednesday 13th February: Failure To Deliver

  Thursday 14th February: Rentokilled

  Monday 18th February: Pole Vaulting

  Tuesday 19th February: Getting Up

  Wednesday 20th February: Getting Up

  Thursday 28th February: Cave-In Cost

  Wednesday 5th March: The Buffett Way

  Chapter Ten: Antichrist Antics

  Saturday 8th March: Dot-To-Dot

  Sunday 9th March: Digby Checkmated

  Monday 10th March: Bovis Satisfaction

  Tuesday 11th March: Pass The Parcel

  Wednesday 12th March: Fed Up

  Thursday 13th March: Perfect Peter’s Imperfect PC

  Friday 14th March: Profits With Dignity

  Monday 17th March: Misery Monday

  Tuesday 18th March: Disaster Hits Edgington

  Chapter Eleven: Special Excursion

  Wednesday 19th March: Last Minute Offer

  Wednesday 19th March: Evening Excuses

  Thursday 20th March: Stansted Stand-Up

  Friday 21st March: Rigorous Riga

  Friday 21st March: Off Your Trolley

  Friday 21st March: Jab At The Hut

  Saturday 22nd March: Disco Queen

  Saturday 22nd March: Two A.M.

  Sunday 23rd March: The Morning After

  Sunday Afternoon: Taxing Conversations

  Monday 24th March: Happy Landings

  Chapter Twelve: Grain Of Truth

  Tuesday 25th March: Not Helping With Inquiries

  Wednesday 26th March: Share Club

  Thursday 27th March: Mother And Child

  Saturday 29th March: Biofuel Innovation

  Monday 31st March: Hornby Warning

  Chapter Thirteen: Coining It!

  Tuesday 1st April: April Fool’s Gold

  Monday 7th April: Vengeance On Rentokil

  Tuesday 8th April: Spending Spree

  Wednesday 9th April: Members Only

  Saturday 19th April: Antichrist Refuge

  Chapter Fourteen: Monsters From Hell

  Sunday 20th April: A Kick In The Warlocks

  Monday 21st April: Keeping Abreast Of Rivals

  Tuesday 22nd April: Rights And Wrongs

  Wednesday 23rd April: Deutsche Bonk

  Friday 25th April: Looking After Nasdaq

  Saturday 26th April: Ga-Ga Over Grangemouth

  Tuesday 29th April: Best Estimates

  Wednesday 30th April: A Company By Any Other Name

  Chapter Fifteen: Car Alarm

  Thursday 1st May: Goodwill Over-Paid

  Saturday 3rd May: Renault Lost

  Wednesday 7th May: Medical Appointment

  Thursday 8th May: Unileverage

  Saturday 10th May: Antichrist Cluster

  Tuesday 13th May: Energy Savings

  Wednesday 14th May: The Final Purchase

  Monday 19th May: Going For A Wii

  Tuesday 20th May: Planning For The Future

  Thursday 22nd May: Question And Answer

  Saturday 24th May: Ethics Girl

  Chapter Sixteen: Hug A Hoodie

  Monday 26th May: Tradesmen’s Entrance

  Tuesday 27th May: Market Knowledge

  Thursday 29th May: The Plastic Fantastic

  Chapter Seventeen: Dunces With Wolves

  Wednesday 4th June: Bradford & Bingley

  Tuesday 10th June: Dunces With Wolves

  Wednesday 11th June: Barratt Barracking

  Friday 13th June
: Irish Stew

  Saturday 14th June: Soft, Long And Very Strong

  Monday 15th June: Default Spreads

  Friday 20th June: Gates Departure

  Chapter Eighteen: Fingers In The Drawer

  Tuesday 1st July: Tanfield Plunge

  Wednesday 2nd July: K.P.’s Gamble

  Thursday 3rd July: Sparks At Marks

  Friday 4th July: Random Dog Walk

  Sunday 6th July: New Balls, Please

  Monday 7th July: Consumer Electronics 1955-Style

  Tuesday 8th July: Choosing A Dog Stock

  Wednesday 9th July: Insider Tip

  Thursday 10th July: Blazing Comet

  Sunday 13th July: All Creatures Grate And Smell

  Monday 14th July: Bastille Day Massacre

  Tuesday 15th July: Worse Still

  Wednesday 16th July: Share Club Deserted

  Chapter Nineteen: Equitable Treatment

  Thursday 17th July: A Kiss For Ann

  Friday 18th July: Death Or Glory

  Saturday 19th July: Fairtrade Fight

  Monday 21st July: Vindicated On Domino’s

  Tuesday 22nd July: Community Service

  Wednesday 23rd July: Dodgy Mortgage

  Thursday 24th July: Massage In A Bottle

  Friday 25th July: Blue-Blooded Broker Shock

  Saturday 26th July: Debenhams Card Missing

  Chapter Twenty: Dot Goes Missing

  Thursday 7th August: Dreams Of Yesteryear

  Friday 8th August: Feeling Better

  Saturday 9th August: Bad Omens

  Publishing Details

  Harriman House Ltd

  3A Penns Road

  Petersfield

  Hampshire

  GU32 2EW

  Tel. +44 (0)1730 233870

  Email: [email protected]

  Website: www.harriman-house.com

  First published in Great Britain in 2008 by Harriman House Ltd.

  Ludensian Books

  Copyright © Nick Louth

  www.nicklouth.com

  www.bernardjones.co.uk

  The rights of Nick Louth to be identified as the author have been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.

  9780857193759

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

  A CIP catalogue record for this book can be obtained from the British Library

  All rights reserved; no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of the Publisher. This book may not be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without the prior written consent of the Publisher.

  No responsibility for loss occasioned to any person or corporate body acting or refraining to act as a result of reading material in this book can be accepted by the Publisher or by the Author.

  This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between the characters herein and real persons living or otherwise is purely coincidental.

  For Louise

  Praise For Funny Money

  “In Bernard Jones, Nick Louth has produced an anti-hero for our financial age. Whether it is fighting his way to a secure retirement, jousting with the council over wheelie bins or feuding with his wife over his fondness for cakes and biscuits, Bernard Jones goes into battle on behalf of us all.”

  Matthew Vincent, Editor, Investors Chronicle

  “Nick Louth delightfully and painfully accurately brings to life the travails of the amateur investor as he tries to make his pension stretch that little bit further. Nick’s wry humour and witty focus on human relationships and frailties is a must read and requires no knowledge of finance to enjoy.”

  Ashley Seager, The Guardian

  “Just as chick-lit heroine Bridget Jones struggles with men, retired anti-hero Bernard Jones is bemused by the trials and tribulations of investing. Anyone who is a member of an investment club will instantly recognise the characters in this clever, well crafted and highly amusing book.”

  Brian Durrant, Investment Director, The Fleet Street Letter

  “Bernard Jones, tried by life, marriage, family, friends and neighbours as much as by investment is a must-read. He’s on the way to becoming a minor classic.”

  Chris Crowcroft, Investors Chronicle reader

  “I have enjoyed reading Bernard Jones Diary as he attempts to enjoy retirement with a mixture of cunning and (not too much) knowledge. I wish him well.”

  Eric Cox, Investors Chronicle reader

  “It’s so easy to identify with Bernard Jones and the situations he describes. I almost feel I know him as a friend. His diary is the first page I turn to in the magazine. It is always topical and hugely entertaining.”

  Leonard Spark, Investors Chronicle reader

  “Small time investor Bernard Jones juggles with middle age, a wife, a grown up family, an elderly mother, foul neighbours and investments. His only pleasures are his indulgence in secretive sweet treats and a Hornby train set. Life shifts up a gear when a pretty au pair arrives next door.”

  Joe Vella, Investors Chronicle reader

  “Bernard and I are soul mates…We share the same hopeless investing traits being driven by misty eyed emotion, alcohol and a love of chocolate rather than the cold logical appraisal of information so beloved by the professionals.”

  Gordon Gray, New Zealand, Investors Chronicle reader

  “I have found myself laughing out loud and occasionally in giggles!”

  Mark Hobhouse, Investors Chronicle reader

  “A must read for the private investor…Share the highs and lows of life with Bernard as he battles the twin impostors of triumph and despair (not in equal measure unfortunately).”

  Tony Watson, Investors Chronicle reader

  “Don’t miss Bernard’s diary, it will brighten your day. This addictive column is so true to life.”

  Paul Hunt, Investors Chronicle reader

  About The Author

  Nick Louth is a financial journalist, author and investment commentator. He is a former Reuters correspondent, and a regulator contributor to the Financial Times, Investors Chronicle and Money Observer. Nick Louth is married and lives in Lincolnshire.

  Nick Louth is the author of:

  Multiply Your Money

  Bite

  The Investment Diary of Bernard Jones

  Bernard Jones and the Temple of Mammon

  Dunces with Wolves

  Foreword

  Bernard Jones was born as a one-off feature idea for the Investors Chronicle for the Christmas edition of 2005. Almost three years later Dunces with Wolves is the third volume of the Bernard Jones Diaries, proof, perhaps, that something begun on a whim can soon take on a life of its own.

  The story of Bernard is really an attempt to dissolve the hyperbolic claims of the investment world with a dose of blunt reality. Far from regaling readers with yet another grandiose tale, such as How I Made A Million In Forty-Eight Hours While Lying By The Pool With My Three Supermodel Girlfriends I decided to pursue the more realistic story: How I Lost £1283.46 In An Hour And A Quarter When I Forgot To Sell My Shares In Northern Rock Because The Header Tank In The Loft Was Leaking Into The Spare Bedroom And Ruining My Wife’s Cardigan Collection.

  Bernard Jones probably spends more time up a ladder being hen-pecked about cardigans than the average investor, and certainly more time being supervised while trimming leylandii hedges than any hedge fund manager. For all the experience he has gained, either with über-successful investor and friend ‘Perfect’ Peter Edgington or the group of amateurs who make up the Hell’s Bells share club at the Ring o’Bells pub, it hasn’t done him the slightest bit of good.

  Dunces with Wolves is more than a collection of previously published columns. As with the previous volumes, more than a third is new and unpu
blished material. That is either because some plot lines were too long for the limited space in the magazine, or in some cases too racy. I’ll leave you to decide. So if you want to experience what it’s like to be French kissed by a tax inspector you’ve got to read on, because you won’t find it in back copies of the Investors Chronicle.

  The first volume of the diaries, Funny Money was published in February 2007 by Ludensian Books. The second volume, Bernard Jones and the Temple of Mammon, was published in November 2007 by Harriman House.

  There is much more background information on Bernard Jones and the other characters at the website www.bernardjones.co.uk and on the Investors Chronicle website www.investorschronicle.co.uk. The author would be pleased to receive reader’s feedback at www.nicklouth.com.

  Introduction

  Bernard Jones is one of life’s losers. The retired civil servant and amateur investor lets opportunities shoot through his fingers as easily as the last splinter of soap in a Travelodge bathroom. Frustrated by decades of marriage to the demanding Eunice, Bernard loses himself in the den at the back of the house, which he has renamed Lemon Curdistan. In this self-styled republic, he slaves over his personal computer dreaming of untold stock market riches.

  Eunice, whose carnal appetites have not been blunted by advancing years or dress size, has quite different plans for her husband, which Bernard refers to under the dreaded sobriquet ‘hippopotamus manoeuvres’. What Eunice fails to understand is that her husband’s desires in this area shrivelled along with the pound in your pocket sometime during Harold Wilson’s premiership. But Eunice is a modern woman. Together with her trendy vegan friend Irmgard and near-neighbour Daphne Hanson-Hart, she is quite open about Bernard’s deficiencies whether they be pensions, passions or prostate. She is particularly determined to steer him from his preferred elevenses of biscuits and cakes towards healthier fare, preferably probiotic yoghurt, lentils and obscure Fairtrade fruit.

  Despite more than six decades of life experience, Bernard’s timing remains impeccably bad. He can be relied upon to miss every chance to sell a losing share before it is worthless. Even on the rare occasion that he stumbles upon a winner, you can be sure that he will hastily sell as soon as he’s gained 5% and watch in impotent fury as its price then shoots into orbit.

  Bernard’s eccentric and addled mother, Dot, has the very fortune to which he aspires. However, the demented but determined nonagenarian is determined to keep it from him. Instead, she has turned to Mary Asterby, leader of the local Women’s Institute, whose steely resolve and bookkeeping acumen is just the ticket to prevent Bernard’s inheritance dissolving along with Britain’s banking system.